Clients, Students and Parents - Dealing with all the “Crazies”

Being a freelance harpist and teacher, I get the opportunity to encounter a diverse spectrum of individuals. We all have our war stories dealing with personalities - the aggressive demander, the indirect-manipulator, the whimsical mind-changer.  The ones oblivious to time who thinks it complies to their needs. The ones, who despite how friendly and agreeable, end up writing a huge complaint letter. Are all these people crazy or are there underlying patterns for understanding and navigating our client's personalities?

I recently read the book, “Foreign to Familiar - A Guide to Understanding Hot and Cold Climate Cultures."  This book investigates patterns that go beyond personalities to their root cultural causes that are tied to the geography and climate where these cultures exist and grow.

Being in the people-business, these concepts are key for freelance musicians and teachers.

Hot and Cold Climate Cultures

The author Sarah Lanier presents two general categories which most cultures fall under. Hot-Climate Cultures are relational based. This group values connection, good feelings, and people before goals and business. You will leave feeling connected even if the task didn't get completed. The connection is prioritized over accurately. For example, a student/ parent may appear agreeable and pleasant without sharing their needs or frustrations. Then out-of-the-blue they let you know that due to x (art class, sports, school) they will be taking time off. This could even be done in a text or email to avoid "confrontation." As Lanier says, “No one is willing to jeopardize the friendliness no matter how superficial."

The Cold-Culture group is task and goal focused; “communication must provide accurate information." You will leave with business completed in a timely manner to show respect for people. For example, a client may come off confrontational, with a list of expectations they want you to solve. When you explain what's provided in your services, they may bluntly discuss if their business needs are met or they may simply move to a new musician. These clients will not “waste” your time; they will value truthfulness over their friendliness.  

Direct and Indirect Communication

The next distinction between these two groups is communication style. With Direct Communication (Cold-Culture), people mean what they say. It is simple and straightforward. They will share their opinions without considering it offensive. Their communication is informational not personal. These people sound like critics, who tell you negative things, or seem to be “in-your-face” and aggressive. With direct communication, it is helpful to see communication is a means to an end; give the information and get the results.

Indirect Communication (Hot-Culture) shares in a subtle and open way as to avoid negativity, displeasure or dissatisfaction. The answer, “Yes” or “Ok” is applied to everything regardless of if they will do it or even understand. Indirect reasons are given instead of "No." Many cases people will go out of their way to leave things open ended to avoid the disappointment that comes with "No."  Such indirect responses such as, “I'm sick," “My fiancé is busy or booked someone else," “We are not sure what we want," “Maybe check with this person” or “Yes of course” - but never will reply again.

Although these could be labeled as “excuses” their goal is your satisfaction, connection and happiness. When we see that the Direct Communication isn't personal, and the Indirect Communication prefers to avoid disappointment, more harmony is achieved and less crazy people seem.

Individualism and Group Identities

For this distinction, I find the best examples in teaching. The concept of Individual Identity may be more familiar to us in the USA than in other places in the world. Students are encouraged to have opinions, be their own person, to be independent and take charge. Responsibility is placed on an individual. Even the scenarios where students are “in-charge” and their parents defer to their requests. Alternatively, if the student’s enthusiasm fluctuations, then the teacher’s skill is questioned. These are examples of Individual Identity.

Group Identity finds its strength, pride or success in the family or community. Students are encouraged to conform to standards, and expectations. Responsibility is placed on the institution, group or family. Scenarios where students bring shame to parents if assignments are not completed or competitions are not won. Or where students are fantastic at following direction but miss the musicality or subtleties of something. Or when students do not share their opinions or feedback.  These are scenarios where families have a group identity.

High-Context  and Low-Context

These distinctions are defined as degrees of formality, traditions, rules, and etiquette.  Older cultures (those who have been established for centuries) such as many European, Asian, Indian and Middle Eastern culture are categorized as formal and High-Context. Classical music training come from a High-Context cultural. Details matter - status, dress codes, gender roles, respect, systems, manners, and rules. We encounter this in our Classical systems, in our performance etiquette, and in our orchestras. People with this background have expectations of others to follow systems. Extreme offense is taken when these rules are bent or broken.

Low-Context groups are considered informal and newly established societies or nations such as the USA, Australia, or places of cultural immigration and diversity. Silicon Valley, where I'm from, is one of the most informal, open, casual, familiar, first-name-basis cultures. Whether you are a CEO or waiter, people dress casually, are oblivious to rules and most etiquette, rarely parade status symbols and can be generally obtuse to basic manners. What is natural for all of us, can be taken as highly offensive to many other cultures. Understanding the level of formality your client is from and being able to apply a higher or lower degree of formality is key to a successful working relationship.

Time and Planning.

Lastly, is the concept of time. This is a very relevant category we all encounter and probably know which group we fall into ourselves. Cold-Climate groups, like direct communication, are inflexible with time. Five minutes early is late. Not being prepared is late. Not planning ahead is late. We all know those weddings we performed that ran like clockwork. We have those families that show up 5 minutes before class and begin glaring if their child is not sitting down playing the moment their lesson time starts.  The “on-time families” where if call-time is 5:00, they are there at 4:00 and suggest you may be late. Ask these people to be spontaneous, change their plans, or do something different, and they probably look at you with a mixture of fear, disgust and indignation.

Then there are the Hot-Climate groups which experience and respond to all of life, focusing on the spontaneity and people. These are the weddings we perform that upon arrival, the building is still locked, the wedding party is getting dressed at the start time, and the guests don't show up until the reception. These are the families that always seem 10 minutes late for their 30 minute lessons; the ones you need to tell the recital begins an hour before it does. These are the flexible, spontaneous, people that hold commitments as suggestions. Here, a set time is almost an insult, a burden and unnecessary pressure.

Understanding the concept of time and how it reveals personal convictions, help us to respect and work fluidly with each other. The people who come off as crazy, who use different values for things we thought were fundamental givens, now make more sense. It's a marvelous thing to gain insight into the diversity and cultural practices of the people we serve every day.

Inspired by the book, “Foreign to Familiar” by Sarah Lanier

Being a Musician and Teacher in Silicon Valley Unintended Discrimination

An interesting thing happened to my family recently. Both my husband and myself make our living from only music. We have been married about seven years, have three kids and own a house. Besides from teaching, my husband is a church musician - pianist, organist, guitarist, vocalist, and even tech guy. He recently got called to a new congregation. We introduced ourselves, like any other time, as musicians and music educators. However, instead of the normal patronizing response of, “Oh how nice," we found this community of Silicon Valley tech, entrepreneurs, and venture capitalists actually intrigued. It was like they had never met a successful musician, let alone one established with a family.

In the Bay Area where I grew up, and from what I surmise about most of the US, a teacher is not considered a prestigious job. A college professor, maybe. Moreover, musicians tends to have the stigma of being a free spirit with no legitimate job (even if you are with an orchestra).

This is why the common response to, “I'm a music educator," “I'm a harpist," “I'm a teacher," is met with disinterest, patronization or the idea that my husband must support the family with a real job, so I can be a harpist.  Even when being a harpist catches attention, it is often categorized as that of being a Disney Princess or Fairy Godmother. Our career choices are not labeled as important, realistic, or successful.

One glaring example is when we were house hunting.
We went to an open house with a group of people all looking at the same time, and were casually asked the question - “So, what do you do?” (I.e can you qualify, are you worth my time, are you important?)
We said, “We are music educators”.... They gave us a curt smile and neglected us the rest of the tour.

Another example we encounter, time and time again is when we have “The Talk” with our talented freshman or sophomore music students and their families about careers in music. However, no matter how great their talent is, how high their level, their commitment to music, the underlying response is - it's not a real job, it's a fall-back job.... Once again a musician/teacher is not of value, not sustainable, not prestigious.

With this pattern of unintended discrimination, we were shocked when our careers not only were automatically validated but also seen with respect, honor and rareness.
An article from Huffington Post reminds us that in some countries, such as China or South Korea, see teachers as equal to doctors, lawyers and engineers.

"...Teachers should be held in the same regard as widely respected professionals like doctors -– a feat only China accomplished, according to the survey.”
“If we want future generations to have the right values and the best life chances … we need to recruit the best and brightest teachers into the profession, and look at the ways in which we can retain them,”-  Sunny Varkey

This simple acknowledgment that our career choices are legitimate, valuable, important and necessary, is a breath of fresh air.

Let's take a moment to remember, that teachers are entrusted to create success for the next generation. Musicians are entrusted to remind people of their humanity, to keep history alive and be a mirror to society. How amazing is that?

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4032354

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Embracing  Vulnerability

I recently heard a joke, “If you want to feel bad about your new achievement, google it adding 5-year-old doing it.....”

Unless you are the blessed few (like the 5 year old playing the Handel Harp Concerto...),

you are no stranger to the vulnerability that comes with being a musician and harpist. Self-doubt, mistakes, being ill-equipped, external or internal judgment, high standards, expectations, and disappointments are just a few ways we experience vulnerability negatively.

With high-stress performance cultures, we often put up walls, wear masks, and create ideal identities, all for the perception of strength, success and safety. However, our self-imposed walls and masks often feels hollow, driving up our anxiety and triggering the need to escape.  This cycle of mask, insecurity, anxiety, and vulnerability leads us to believe vulnerability is entirely bad news.

In addition, the daily task of musicians is the conflict between striving towards mastery and the question, “Am I worthy?”

How then do we embrace vulnerability in a powerful way?

1. Name it - take time to get down and dirty to identify your basic musical fears and desires.  

• “I fear inferiority when...”
• “I fear shame when..”
• “I fear helplessness when..”
• “I fear invalidation”
• “I desire fulfillment”
• “I desire affirmations”
• “I desire respect”
• “I desire beauty

By naming what triggers our masks, walls and negative vulnerabilities, we see our patterns. Patterns remove the mysteries and empower us to take charge to eliminate the negative.

2. Tame it - Be kind to yourself and define when you feel successful. Set your own expectations; define your goals and if/when you achieve them. With a career focused on continual growth, set your growth within your control instead of reacting or feeling helpless.

3. Befriend it - When we begin to befriend vulnerability and embrace the unpredictability and imperfections of our music, careers, and life, our anxiety level lowers and our peacefulness increases.  

4. Use it - Authenticity is the use of vulnerability. This is who I am, this is what I can do, this is what I love. Begin to practice openness, peacefulness, and self-compassion in your daily musical journey.

Embracing vulnerability is the starting point of strength and success.  Vulnerability empowers you as a musician. Embrace yourself as the harpist you are.  Open yourself to share and be seen at your core - your raw, authentic self.  Know that you are worthy; your music is worthy.